So many things to write about. Money, for example. I see my mind jumping from object to object to object. Objects dismissed in the past as not my thing or not my style, suddenly are of great interest. I want to buy them. Them is usually clothing of some kind. Sometimes expensive. Sometimes not. But always these objects will make me like my body better than I do now. Clothing has never been utilitarian for me. So much of my masculinity is derived through dress and personal sartorial style.
But as I worked on the elliptical and my legs pumped up and down I realized that while I want each of these latest objects, the desire for each one isn’t as piercing as it used to be. It’s as though desiring all those items at one time muddies the brilliance of each. Or maybe it’s that in wanting so many at once I’ve created an existential colliding of desire that, if it were edible, just wouldn’t taste very good.
Frankly, this feeling of tastelessness is quite uncomfortable. Just give up buying things! Put it on a 30-day wait plan! I’ve tried to follow those slogans. But they do not, for me, address the core root of my desire, which is that somehow I will find happiness in objects outside of me.
I am happy or sad about my body according to how I think about my body. My masculinity is, I realized on the elliptical, a body experience. What I really want is to look good – according to my definition – naked.
For in my nakedness I am most transsexual.
No amount of clothing, no matter how expensive, no matter how well designed, no matter how well I’ve budgeted for it, will make me look good naked.
That’s the rub. I’m trying to look good in objects that obscure the thing I want to feel good about. Exercising is the answer, at least right now.
I do realize that I am again seeking better devotion to my body by doing something outside myself. But I also feel better about myself physically and psychically when I exercise. For me, the buying of clothing has covered up the fact that I must exercise to get to the place I believe I want to go. In this case, the hardest thing for me to do is, in fact, what I must do. I am not a fan of exercising, but I like the results
I am curious to see where I will end up. Then, perhaps, I might buy an article or two of clothing. But only after I really like what I see looking back at me, in the mirror.